Mistresses have always been one of the popular themes in novels, TV and movies. Why are they always a popular?
Probably because there are a lot of them out there. Some are discreet, others are not. While there are a lot of “what-to-dos” for wives out there, there are not so many “guidelines” for these mistresses. But we have found a list that’s remarkable.
After more than a decade after it was published, Etiquette for Mistresses (And what wives can learn from them) by Julie Yap-Daza is going to be made into a movie which will feature Kris Aquino and Claudine Barretto.
First published in 1992, Etiquette for Mistresses, due to its success now has a sequel, “Mistresses Play, Men Stray, the Wives Stay”. But the book isn’t just a guideline for mistresses, it is also a sarcastic checklist of how mistresses are supposed to act, and also includes how wives can learn from these. We just tweaked it a little and made it a do’s and don’ts guideline.
Here’s a list of what a mistress should and should not do.
1. DO know your place! (Mistress is not Mrs. Know your place).
2. DON’T think he means that he loves you more than his wife. (Even if he tells you he loves you more than his wife, don’t let that go to your head.)
3. DO be ready to give up ALL holidays for his wife. (Mistresses should be ready to give up Valentine’s Day, Christmas Day, New Year’s Day, Holy Week and his birthday.)
4. DO become his secretary’s friend. (Be friend his secretary but avoid all contact with his driver.)
5. DON’T patronize his wife’s “suki”. (As tempting as it seems, don’t patronize the wife’s beauty parlor, jewelry shop, dress shop, or father confessor)
6. DON’T CALL HIM, WAIT FOR HIM TO CALL.
7. DON’T ever be seen in public with him. (To be seen with him in public once is risky. The second time could be fatal to one of you. The third time is The END for both of you)
8. DON’T believe nor say anything bad about his wife. (Never believe, and never say anything unfriendly about his wife, not even after he recites a litany of her faults).
9. DON’T be dependent on him. (Mistresses are kept by rich men. But a mistress who is a woman of substance and independent means is better. [Translation: Don’t ask him for money.])
10. DO be discreet. (Make sure he is not the type to talk in his sleep. There is no fool like a fool in love.)
11. DON’T ever travel together.
12. DON’T take it personal when he cancels a date. (When he breaks a date, charge it to fate, not his fecklessness)
13. DO also have a network of spies. (Wives have their own networks of spies and amigas. It is helpful for the mistress to have her own. A chaperone is not a good idea, however. (Chaperones are passe. Besides, they talk.)
14. DON’T complain! (Mistresses don’t complain). They shouldn’t. It’s the wives, according to their husbands, who are always complaining.
15. DO try harder. Being No.2, the mistress tries harder. At the end of the day (night), she goes home without him. Or he goes home without her with a higher value that when they met yesterday.
16. DO send him home as soon as it becomes apparent that he’s overstaying. What do men do after sex? According to conventional wisdom 10% smoke, 20% fall asleep, and 70% go home to the wife.
17. DO try to be linked to another man. (It is practical for a mistress to be linked to another man, preferably her lover’s friend)
In the age of the liberated woman, who needs a chaperone? Ah, maybe not, but she needs a beard.
18. DO make plans to accidentally bump into him. (If he is a public man and you’re thinking of staging an accident of running into him, think: How many accidents can I pull off in one month?) It’s a woman’s nature to want to be loved and be seen as being loved.
19. DON’T make unnecessary enemies of his children. If you listen to mistresses and their stories, the world is full of love and short on loving.
21. DON’T use tears as a weapon. He’s probably had enough of that from the Mrs. Wives nag. Wives cry. If only for that reason, a mistress doesn’t use tears to get what she wants.
22. DO resist the urge to be found out.
23. DO perish all thought that someday you’ll be No. 1. (Well, you can be if you finally find your own man).
24. DON’T EVER suprise him! (Married men who keep mistresses don’t like surprises, as a rule).
25. DO make yourself busy by building a career. A man with a mistress leads a double life, his mistress only half life. Cheer up! A career will make you whole. Life in the modern world has put women on an equal footing with men. There is nothing a man can do that a woman cannot.
27. DO disappear. (When in doubt, disappear)
28. DO leave him! (When all else fails, leave him) Some mistresses make it; more do not.
Now we don’t mean to offend all the mistresses out there. There is a reason why some women settle to become mistresses. And there is also a reason why men marry whom they choose to marry.
And as Bo Sanchez says, “You don’t get what you deserve, you get what you settle for.” Settle for the best. Settle to be the only one. And as for Kris and Claudine’s upcoming movie, we hope it earns a spot on the box office. After all, it isn’t just a movie on “Etiquette for Mistresses”, but we know wives can also learn from them. (*Memes generated through Imgflip.)